at a gig
number 5 is here too
but he’s ignoring me.
it makes me glad i didn’t shag him.
how then would we have
managed the awkwardness.
the girl he is with
makes me feel uncomfortable.
i am no pretty girl,
and i can’t decide whether she is.
of course she’s better.
he’s here with her afterall.
i can’t work out if they are dating.
she’s sexy though, i’ll give her that.
she’s making out this generic rock band
is the most sensual thing she’s ever heard.
she’s scrunching her hair.
yeah. actually on second thoughts,
they might not be dating, but she’s gagging.
there’s a song playing
it’s the best they’ve played
and it makes sense to play it last
but if they had played it first
i think i would have enjoyed this more.
i wanted to write this because
i thought it would be fitting.
write something pathetic about being pathetic.
there is a man behind me
he isn’t aware that i can feel him.
just a random man,
but i am enjoying the physical contact.
it reminds me of him, of when we went
to a band he hated but there was that girl
who was probably definitely high
and he subtly stopped her hitting me in the face.
he won’t remember that.
i think it has been too long.
‘all the miserable girls,
all the sad young men’
fuck. for the hundreth time in my life,
i wish i had written that.
they say youth is the prime of your life.
which means that this gets worse.
yes, i miss you.
not number 5.
his ignoring me has hurt
but i never think of him at all.
he was fun and i was drunk.
what i mean is i miss
the boy who went to canada
and left me here.
the boy i tried to kiss.
the boy i still wish i’d kissed.
i would settle i think though
for the other boy,
the one that texts me, wants to fuck me
wants to make sure i am still his.
because despite everything
he was my best friend
and i can’t shake that.
i think i just want to be held
like a child.
because i believe i will find my home in a man.