She hears the phone click and begins her splurge

“We just broke up, I told him I didn’t want him anymore, I told him everything that needed to be said”
“Oh, that’s good-”
“Just told him that he’d used me the entire time and that he just wanted an easy shag, like he tried to get it wherever he could. I told him he was manipulative, selfish and immature”
“You can do so much-”
“You know? I don’t even miss him, like I don’t know why I gave him 9 months of my life. Well effectively 9 months”
“Yeah, you deserve so-”
“I just feel so stupid for putting up with it for so long. Like it’s now so obvious how shit he is”
“I’ve been trying to tell you!”
“Anyway, just thought I should let you know! Isn’t being single so much better? Being single and not caring is the best! Anyway, bye!”

She ends the call, turns over and cries. These aren’t just ordinary tears though, these are great howls, into her pillow; the sound loud, possessed and unashamed. She howls for what she thought she had and what is lost. She howls because she’s given up and was scared of getting here. Of reaching the point of feeling that a human, any human, is not worth making the effort for. Feeling the only thing she can do is give up. At least she knows her limit. She howls because he left again, no amount of chances was enough to make a difference. She’d gained nothing from her patience. She howled because she’d convinced herself she was the exception, and of course she wasn’t.

She howls because she tells herself she ended it, when in reality it was mutual, we can’t pretend he wanted her either.

He had listened silently and responded: “there’s nothing more to say.”


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