Forget

Can we just forget most of last night? Just pick and choose the bits we liked, or more specifically the parts I liked? The parts where I didn’t mentally RIP the cute part of your personality that I love. We’ll just forget that under the influence of your friends you tried to pressure me into taking your virginity. We can remember the part where you said that you really liked me and wanted me to be your ‘first’. Just not the part where you produced a condom. And definitely not the part where I told you that I loved you. If nothing else can we forget that. You didn’t say it back, but that’s not why I want to forget it. I want to forget it because I didn’t mean it, I didn’t lie but I got caught up in the moment and I shouldn’t have said something so important to you that I didn’t mean. I did know one day the words would just unintentionally just slip out.

And I’m sorry that you woke up to my wrath, I know you were hungover but I had convinced myself while you were asleep that I hated you. Can we forget that part too? And the part where I venomously accused you of only coming round for one thing and thinking I was an ‘easy shag’. I don’t hate you, you know I don’t, I just hated feeling used. What I hate is the thought of making you feel like anything less of a good person because you don’t deserve to be made to feel that way. I’m the bad person and we both know I’m not good enough, I can’t see why you keep coming back. Can we forget the tidal wave of insecurity I washed over you, I’m not good enough but I don’t need your reassurance and I certainly don’t want you to think that I need you which is the only thing you could think of me when I declare ‘don’t leave me’.

From last night all I want to remember is you arriving with my number scrawled up your arm in massive, childlike numbers because you were concerned your phone would die. You told me before you arrived you were fine and now you were good. And then we just slept.

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