I wish when you left

I wish when you had left you had verbally beaten me up, said things which would be etched onto the mental list of what others had also said, turned yo into some kind of monster and make it impossible for me to like you at all now. I wish you had said I was annoying, I was unattractive and you never liked me anyway. You wanted my best friend but she was out of your league so you settled for me. I wish you said that I deserved everything you were throwing at me because I wasn’t a good person. I was hard-work, narcissistic and difficult. You found me dull. And worst of all I was a hypocrite. You wanted a girlfriend, it just had to be important to you, I wasn’t important enough. I wasn’t enough. You wouldn’t bullshit and said ‘it’s me, not you’, instead you would look at me, deep in the eyes, and say ‘this is completely your fault’.

But instead you said you were so sorry, said you were doing all this to avoid hurting me more in the long run, you still valued me as a friend and didn’t want to lose that. And I just left you there at the station. I like to think you watched me walk away but I never looked back. And I regret the way I left but if I had stayed I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from crying. And neither of us wanted me to cry.

I wish I’d never met you. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be in this denial and I wouldn’t have to get over you. I sometimes wonder if you still think about me at all and if one day you’d want me again. But I think you’re probably over it by now and never spare “us” a though.

I wish when you’d left you hadn’t changed your mind and we still had summer plans. I wish you had liked me as much as you said you did, just the night before, when I believed you. I wish when I put my head on your shoulder you would have put your arm around me rather than just sit there. And then everything would have been okay.

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2 comments

  1. Dawne Webber · June 17, 2014

    I’m a writer and I can’t think of the right words to tell you how touching and well-written your post was and how sorry I am for your pain.

    • Hayley · June 18, 2014

      Thank you so much for your comment, it meant a lot.

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