This time last year my first proper relationship was falling apart. The cracks were there. But it would finally collapse by text on Christmas Eve. A text which would tell me that I had become a burden and he had gone off me. Which roughly translates to he found out another girl was interested.
I am young, fickle and incredibly naive. I am not trying to say that I have been threw a lot because I haven’t. I overreacted. But I didn’t do it on purpose. Being broken up with like that really angered me and I let myself get incredibly bitter and jealous, and I am not going to pretend that those personality traits have gone away.
And while it takes everyone a long time to get over being broken up, I feel like it affects the person afterwards. I mean this even in the form of merely fancying someone, the people that have a fear of the friend-zone for it’s connections to frustration. I feel like it affects people in a wider sense as well, how they treat people. Recently I have become aware of how aggressive I can be with boys my own age, and I think this may be as a result of being broken up with. I also now don’t want a boyfriend but if I did, I would want him to be older. And he would have to be perfect. But then I wouldn’t want him and it would fall apart because I am not perfect.
I noticed this aggressive reaction to boys last night, it’s the “do-not-make-me-do-anything” sort of attitude, even if it is something that I would like to do. And I’m sorry for snapping when a guy gets close to me but I am just really not interested. And I honestly don’t do it on purpose and hate it when it does spout out.
Last night I went out with a few friends for a friends birthday and he had a go at me for never making an effort and ignoring him. Which I wasn’t. But he concluded the evening by saying that I wasn’t worth it.
Today he keeps texting me things like “how’s your day?” And I want to scream at him and ask him if he has completely forgotten everything he said last night.
And that is why I spend all my days now on my own in my room because people hurt me. The person he was talking to all night was equally having a sneaky bitch about me. Those two were meant to be my closest friends at university. And now I don’t trust them.
I gather that I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, and I am. And there is no excuse for that and I am well aware that I should be having the time of my life. I am at the university I was obsessed with for over a year and worked hard to get here, in a city I am supposed to love and an experience I am meant to be enjoying. But I’m not. I am fed up. I am fed up of never being able to do the right thing, I want friends but I don’t want them to always be there but you can’t just turn friends off when you get bored of them or want time to yourself.
I am so bitter. And I KNOW I am. All I wanted here was to feel as though people liked me but I don’t really feel that. And they probably don’t think that I like them either and in many respects I don’t.
There is something incredibly ugly inside of me.
I realise this post is just a splurge of everything that is going round my head and it doesn’t make sense and I do need to get some perspective but I am probably just going to spend the remainder of the day, weekend and potential week ahead wallowing in self-pity.