I don’t know if I have gone into much detail on this blog about a break-up I went through a few months ago, I would be surprised if I hadn’t as the whole event consumed me for far too long. I won’t go into what he did here because I feel like I have spent far too long trying to make him look bad and being completely immune to looking at my own failings. The failure of our relationship was mutually achieved.
I have been getting closer to someone at Church recently, not in that way, it has just been friendship and I don’t want anything more. Anyway, we had a really long conversation the other day and I hadn’t told him about the other boy, like he didn’t even know that I was going out with him. And in my defence the break-up happened just as his other boy arrived. When I went home after this conversation I was “oh no what have I done”, I just felt really stupid and regretted saying anything. I became so aware that everything I had said could not magically be unsaid.
When I reminisce on that conversation a Bible verse springs to mind (Luke 6:45):
“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of”
The conversation just wasn’t positive, I said lots of things that weren’t nice and my language wasn’t great either. And when I went back inside I just thought about it all and became so aware of the “ugliness” of my inside. And began to wonder about forgiveness and think “how can I say I have forgiven him if I can’t actually say anything nice about him?”
And I stumbled upon Joyce Meyer’s book ‘Do Yourself a Favour…FORGIVE’ and read that this week. And although I wouldn’t necessarily say it is that good, like is is, but what makes it so good is it spurs on your own thoughts. I think maybe because you’re more open about things you start to sort of work things out.
I have had quite a few dreams about self harming recently and I realise now that I am the problem and that it is only me that is hurting me now. Not him. I have also had dreams where I have watched other people cry and that I read was meant to be a symbol that I was upset but seeing it in other people made me more aware of it or concerned about it. The truth I’ve realised is that he isn’t the problem and that it is purely my own stubbornness in not wanting to forget what he did to me. And that is partly due to fear that one day it will happen again and there is almost an expectation I have for myself to stop anyone from ever being able to do that ever again to me. This week, I have become more aware that I can’t control how people treat me, and have felt liberated by this. I just need to trust that no one will hurt me more than I can take.
I have friends who have also been hurt by boys and have allowed themselves to get bitter and not trust any other boy again. One of my friends actually worries that her boyfriend might rape her, because if he wanted to, he could. And I realised that I really don’t want to get like that, I don’t want to waste time being angry and basically only hurting myself. It happened and moving on is long overdue!
The truth is, God should be angrier at me than I should be at him.