I was recently broken up with. By recent I mean a text on Christmas Eve disclosing that they’d just gone off me and felt that I was a burden. None of this of course being either of our fault, and definitely not mine. Of course. And although he has no belief in external powers or fate he still couldn’t take any of the blame and said that he just couldn’t control his emotions and I obviously had never not felt in control. I have but with emotions you may not be able to control (although to some extent I think you can) you can still interpret him. But no.

I am upset about this, I really am. He was my first boyfriend and I’d been going out with him for a year. Admittedly I could see it coming, he just wasn’t affectionate any more, but the expectancy made the break-up no less hard. I think the thing is that I miss the friendship. When it all started I needed a good friend, not a boyfriend and now I have neither. I was over reliant on his company and friendship, which now means  feel very much alone. I am getting better though. It is strange going through a break-up, half of you is telling you to “replace, replace, replace!” but then the other half is saying you will never trust another man and never want a boyfriend ever again. Both are wrong.

I think what makes it so hard is the selfish human desires and how we look at the implications that it has for us. Maybe it’s not selfish but it feels like a disappointment. I have my own theories for this. I feel that we are indoctrinated with the expectation and the illusion that the more someone finds out about you the more they will find to love about you but that’s not true. The more someone finds out about the more they find to hate, the more they see your traits and who you really are. Then that’s when they decide whether they can put up with yours traits.

While being in a relationship you often look at the other person as being almost perfect, or at least perfect for you. And so it is a real disappointment when you find that they are human and to be human is to be fallible. I think the expectation that you are supposedly perfect just comes back in the end proven wrong. That is why when I next enter into a relationship I want them to know my faults so they get no surprises. I think the break-up in itself portrays many of my faults and I do blame myself for it because I know I could have been different and then maybe be would have stayed, but it probably was always going to break. I have been looking at it as being able to see how I can be a better version of me for someone else rather than for him. I would definitely say to people going through a break-up that one thing that helped me was thinking that it was my only chance, there will be other boys, and they will be better. Just to reiterate the illusion, that may not be the case but it certainly helps.

There is also that fakery that he presented that we can still be friends. May I ask how? And why is that any different to being in a relationship other than there’s no physical contact and you don’t have to care, and you don’t. And it asks me how my day has been, something he never cared about when we were going out. And although at one time I don’t want him to ignore me because of course there is a sense of still liking him but then him speaking to me is just reminding me of what I have lost. I just always liked him more than he liked me and now it is not nice that it has been proven.

Please reader, although you know this, please don’t dump anybody by text ever. Especially not on Christmas Eve.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s