The New Self

After pain we regenerate, renaissance, we make a new self. The new self doesn’t really exist but we fool the world into thinking we have moved on. We hide all our scars and the fears and the real ‘self’. The real ‘self’ only you know. The one behind closed doors. The one who can spontaneously burst into tears by the thought of you, and other days be fine. The one afraid of attachment, of always liking someone more, of never being good enough, of never being with someone who was wholeheartedly a choice. The one who prescribes to the culture we live in which says love is free, easy and everywhere. But love is never free, easy and only an image of love is everywhere. The projected image works because we all have a hole in our lives which we try to fill with something. We daily try to mask our own inadequacies. The new self which shouts “replace” when really it should be screaming “repair”. But no one likes facing who they really are, few want to look inwardly at why their relationships fail and would rather drop the blame entirely on the other person. The new self which can’t help but make anyone anyone who has ever hurt them feel like shit, because the new self., alike to the old, likes to remind themselves that they are capable of inflicting some level of pain. They want to remind these people that they still hurt. And finally it’s that grin to go with it because now you’ve fooled them all. The new self is an extension of all that was wrong with the old self with just a double-helping of bitterness. The new self becomes part of the world with all the other people trying to fool us that they are fundamentally changed.

Apparently what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

I wish when you left

I wish when you had left you had verbally beaten me up, said things which would be etched onto the mental list of what others had also said, turned you into some kind of monster and made it impossible for me to like you at all now. I wish you had said I was annoying, I was unattractive and you never liked me anyway. You wanted my best friend but she was out of your league so you settled for me. I wish you said that I deserved everything you were throwing at me because I wasn’t a good person. I was hard-work, narcissistic and difficult. You found me dull. And worst of all I was a hypocrite. You wanted a girlfriend, it just had to be important to you, I wasn’t important enough. I wasn’t enough. You wouldn’t bullshit and said ‘it’s me, not you’, instead you would look at me, deep in the eyes, and say ‘this is completely your fault’.

But instead you said you were so sorry, said you were doing all this to avoid hurting me more in the long run, you still valued me as a friend and didn’t want to lose that. And I just left you there at the station. I like to think you watched me walk away but I never looked back. And I regret the way I left but if I had stayed I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from crying. And neither of us wanted me to cry.

I wish I’d never met you. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be in this denial and I wouldn’t have to get over you. I sometimes wonder if you still think about me at all and if one day you’d want me again. But I think you’re probably over it by now and never spare “us” a thought.

I wish when you’d left you hadn’t changed your mind and we still had summer plans. I wish you had liked me as much as you said you did, just the night before, when I believed you. I wish when I put my head on your shoulder you would have put your arm around me rather than just sit there. And then everything would have been okay.

Settling

photo (2) I realised something today. You can’t live your life thinking that doing what other people want you to do in a relationship counts for anything. You can’t like someone and let them treat you however they want to and think that counts as a relationship. Relationships require compromise but you can’t always be the one compromising. If you do that, no matter how amazing you think they are, you are just settling.

Learning

What I learnt

I think I am going to return to what I wrote about around two weeks ago, the potential breakdown of yet another one my relationships. Except this wasn’t really a relationship. It feels to me that there are certain things which would only happen to me, being broken up by a guy who I am not even really going out with, feels like one of them. And while we may never get back together, though to be honest I want to, I suppose the whole experience has taught me some things.

Firstly after we came back after Easter I text him to find out when he was coming back and he didn’t text back and I had a massive breakdown. Like I am speaking huge, I cried all night and couldn’t concentrate on anything until he got back, which was about two days later. All to find out that when he did get back that his phone had broken and it was currently getting repaired. And I know that the way I reacted to this all was pathetic but I genuinely couldn’t help it. I was thinking about this afterwards and I think all in all it had nothing to do with him, it had something to do with a previous him. I’ll just refer to him as John here but basically he asked me out and then ignored me for weeks afterwards. I think the worse thing was we never actually broke up and for months after this happened when we saw each other he still flirted with me, we sometimes held hands and he hugged me a lot and I thought that if I kept putting up with it eventually we would start officially going out. Of course we didn’t and he led me on, whether knowingly or not, I am not sure. I think some of the problem was that at the time I was going through my own problems with friends and was feeling a little abandoned and lonely and was deceived into thinking that he was nice to me. And he was but he wasn’t what I thought he was. I think some of my problem is that I always view relationships and potential relationships with naive optimism. As in if I wait around long enough they’ll change their mind or start being what I want them to be. Furthermore John also made me feel like he liked me when I was there so when it comes to guys now I tend to (though I am not as bad as I use to be) feel as though that I need to be around them otherwise they’ll forget me, and worry that if we are away from each other for a few weeks they won’t like me when I see them again. I think lesson number one I learned was to let things go and not carry burdens from what previous men have done to me. I can’t change that and I guess it did make me a stronger person.

Furthermore with this new guy I was starting to feel happier, at least initially and when he was there. I think part of my problem is I am rarely satisfied and that maybe because I expect more but whatever it is I want to change it. I hadn’t been feeling happy at Uni, at least not as happy as I hoped that I would be. And I guess lesson number two is not to rely on anyone to make me happy but work on making myself happy. Unfortunately I don’t really know how to do that. That is a mistake that I keep making and thought that I wouldn’t let it happen again, I think I was wrong.

In addition while reading my old journals, which I mentioned in a previous post I have been doing recently, I noticed a re-occurring theme which was that if I fixed myself externally that people would like me more and that situations would want to go the way which I wanted them to. I was quite concerned by my looks (often my skin and just generally not being as pretty as I desired), my weight and I convinced myself that I was stupid thus making everything I did academically quite futile. I think the next lesson is that I need to build on my own self-confidence and not use a guy to give me the reassurance that I craved. I don’t want my confidence to be based on what anyone thinks of me, least of all the guy I am interested in. And o be fair I wasn’t so bad with him but I could see myself getting worse had we become official.

And lastly I have a strong desire to control everything and I really need to let go of that. The thing which bothered me about the whole situation the most was that I couldn’t control it. He was saying how we weren’t going to see enough of each other in the holiday to make it work but honestly I would have seen him as much as he needed me to. I would have made the effort. I would have literally changed and been whatever he wanted because I don’t value who I am as a person very highly and I just really liked him and thought that he was important. I know I will obviously like people as much if not more but right now it doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like that because I have been given the opportunity to fuck this up like I usually am. For most of my adolescence I have wanted the ability to control everything. What people think of me, my marks and how situations pan out. I want to know how this situation pans out. I need to let go of wanting to control it all though because being honest even if I could control it I would probably get it wrong.

I want to fix everything but I can’t fix anything. Ideally I would want him to want to go out with me officially but even if we take a step back from that, I don’t know how to make that happen but I also don’t know how to go back to being really good friends. And at the very least I would like that, though I know it probably won’t make me feel better because I’ll always want it to lead somewhere else.

This post was much longer than I was expecting it to be and was a kind of splurge of all my feelings. Any advice would seriously be appreciated, otherwise I will just do my usual and wait and keep throwing myself at the boy.

 

Writing project

Write

I think I am perhaps mainly putting this here as more of an incentive to do what I say I am going to do. I am going to write. And I am going to finish something. I realised I was waiting for some kind of big idea or subject when really I am my subject. And while my life has not been that eventful and I am only 19, where there isn’t excitement, make it. Exaggerate events and add some in. But it is easier to analyse and add depth to a character who at the base of it has had the same experiences as you and thinks in the same way. At least that is my theory.

I began by reading all the journals I have from about age 10 onwards. I have always kept a journal but when I moved when I was 10 I appear to either have lost them or thrown them away without realising that maybe one day I would still want them. From my early journals though I don’t think I am missing out, I tend to write now more about what I am thinking more than what I have done whereas then I was the opposite. The life of a 10 year-old is not one which is particularly interesting. I then made diagrams of everything I wanted to include.

My journals (most of which are falling apart) in a heap on my floor.

My journals (most of which are falling apart) in a heap on my floor.

I have found these exercises useful as they have shown me what I need to improve on but not in the usual way where I look at myself in a very self-deprecating way and unrealistically set goals for myself. I am learning reasonable goals for me to work on to make me happier and to make me more like the kind of person I want others to know. I feel as though it is helping me understand myself a little better which is all I have ever really wanted. Obviously I still know very little but I feel as though I am learning a lot and hoping it will lead to me betttering myself.

Finally the themes I am hoping to include within this prose are; gender, obsessions, relationships, deity, solitude, identity and expectations. There is more I have considered and I think a lot of it is interwoven.

I want to work on my writing style and create a voice which I don’t dislike and I am hoping this will help me do that. I also have about three months summer holiday to kill and I thought this might help me do it.

What is the point of language if we don’t ever express ourselves?

we're ready

Stop waiting to be ready

 

we're ready
I have been thinking recently about humans and being ready. Recently I have sort of been seeing a guy and we were coming up for summer and the day he left he told me he thought that we should just be friends because if we carry on we will end up ruining our friendship. He isn’t very good at keeping in contact with people and usually I have to text him first and make the effort and he knew that over summer it probably wouldn’t work. Also he said he didn’t think he was ready for a girlfriend, not that he has ever had a girlfriend. Admittedly he didn’t deal with the whole thing very well and I feel a lot of what happened, happened because he panicked.

But I just feel that humans can’t wait until they are ready because when are we ever really  ready for change and something which may well be a risk. While we all complain about being single when you are content being single it is absolutely fine, in fact it can be great. So when would we be ready to leave something which we know we can function in. Obviously there are things which we should feel ‘ready’ to do before we do them but on the whole I don’t feel there really comes such a time where you can be completely certain that you were ready for it.

Furthermore this whole ‘we’ll be friends’ thing does not work for me because we aren’t friends and while we were really close before there was chemistry. What I am saying is you shouldn’t want to ever kiss your friends, because then they aren’t friends. Being friends with someone is different. And I don’t want to go back to being friends because it is unlikely that we’ll ever be as close as we were before. Waiting to be ready

I am worried because I don’t always treat what he said as final, I feel like in September we may potentially get back together but realistically that probably isn’t going to happen. I think what hurt the most was the night before he came round to mine and he definitely liked me then and kept saying how he was going to make an effort over summer and how we were going to meet up. Basically he turned into absolutely everything I wanted him to be the night before.

I am really trying not to let this bother me but it really does. When I think about it, in a year time this probably won’t bother me and so why should it necessarily now? I just feel like he is the first guy who I haven’t tried to punish for what every other guy has done to me before or just for being them. I felt like I really tried and I am not sure why. I think he panicked and it annoys me that I can’t seem to give him the reassurance he needs.

I know he is worried that he is going to hurt me but I have obviously made the decision that he is worth getting hurt for and right now it doesn’t really feel like we have much of a choice. It is either a relationship for nothing because friendship is not going to work. Definitely not now and probably not too well in the future.