I think I am going to return to what I wrote about around two weeks ago, the potential breakdown of yet another one my relationships. Except this wasn’t really a relationship. It feels to me that there are certain things which would only happen to me, being broken up by a guy who I am not even really going out with, feels like one of them. And while we may never get back together, though to be honest I want to, I suppose the whole experience has taught me some things.
Firstly after we came back after Easter I text him to find out when he was coming back and he didn’t text back and I had a massive breakdown. Like I am speaking huge, I cried all night and couldn’t concentrate on anything until he got back, which was about two days later. All to find out that when he did get back that his phone had broken and it was currently getting repaired. And I know that the way I reacted to this all was pathetic but I genuinely couldn’t help it. I was thinking about this afterwards and I think all in all it had nothing to do with him, it had something to do with a previous him. I’ll just refer to him as John here but basically he asked me out and then ignored me for weeks afterwards. I think the worse thing was we never actually broke up and for months after this happened when we saw each other he still flirted with me, we sometimes held hands and he hugged me a lot and I thought that if I kept putting up with it eventually we would start officially going out. Of course we didn’t and he led me on, whether knowingly or not, I am not sure. I think some of the problem was that at the time I was going through my own problems with friends and was feeling a little abandoned and lonely and was deceived into thinking that he was nice to me. And he was but he wasn’t what I thought he was. I think some of my problem is that I always view relationships and potential relationships with naive optimism. As in if I wait around long enough they’ll change their mind or start being what I want them to be. Furthermore John also made me feel like he liked me when I was there so when it comes to guys now I tend to (though I am not as bad as I use to be) feel as though that I need to be around them otherwise they’ll forget me, and worry that if we are away from each other for a few weeks they won’t like me when I see them again. I think lesson number one I learned was to let things go and not carry burdens from what previous men have done to me. I can’t change that and I guess it did make me a stronger person.
Furthermore with this new guy I was starting to feel happier, at least initially and when he was there. I think part of my problem is I am rarely satisfied and that maybe because I expect more but whatever it is I want to change it. I hadn’t been feeling happy at Uni, at least not as happy as I hoped that I would be. And I guess lesson number two is not to rely on anyone to make me happy but work on making myself happy. Unfortunately I don’t really know how to do that. That is a mistake that I keep making and thought that I wouldn’t let it happen again, I think I was wrong.
In addition while reading my old journals, which I mentioned in a previous post I have been doing recently, I noticed a re-occurring theme which was that if I fixed myself externally that people would like me more and that situations would want to go the way which I wanted them to. I was quite concerned by my looks (often my skin and just generally not being as pretty as I desired), my weight and I convinced myself that I was stupid thus making everything I did academically quite futile. I think the next lesson is that I need to build on my own self-confidence and not use a guy to give me the reassurance that I craved. I don’t want my confidence to be based on what anyone thinks of me, least of all the guy I am interested in. And o be fair I wasn’t so bad with him but I could see myself getting worse had we become official.
And lastly I have a strong desire to control everything and I really need to let go of that. The thing which bothered me about the whole situation the most was that I couldn’t control it. He was saying how we weren’t going to see enough of each other in the holiday to make it work but honestly I would have seen him as much as he needed me to. I would have made the effort. I would have literally changed and been whatever he wanted because I don’t value who I am as a person very highly and I just really liked him and thought that he was important. I know I will obviously like people as much if not more but right now it doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like that because I have been given the opportunity to fuck this up like I usually am. For most of my adolescence I have wanted the ability to control everything. What people think of me, my marks and how situations pan out. I want to know how this situation pans out. I need to let go of wanting to control it all though because being honest even if I could control it I would probably get it wrong.
I want to fix everything but I can’t fix anything. Ideally I would want him to want to go out with me officially but even if we take a step back from that, I don’t know how to make that happen but I also don’t know how to go back to being really good friends. And at the very least I would like that, though I know it probably won’t make me feel better because I’ll always want it to lead somewhere else.
This post was much longer than I was expecting it to be and was a kind of splurge of all my feelings. Any advice would seriously be appreciated, otherwise I will just do my usual and wait and keep throwing myself at the boy.