Life

I realise part of my problem is that I am bored. I need to work out what I want to do and just do it. If that makes sense.

I want to try new places. Go for coffee somewhere new with a friend. Have favourite places. Have secret places. I want to experience culture much more often. Go to art galleries regularly, go to poetry readings. Listen to other people’s writing. Just listen to other people. And ask them what they’re thinking. What their opinions are on life and how they got them. I want to read more. I want to work on mood me more interesting by learning something new more often. And these don’t have to be some kind of worldly fact, it can simply be a close friend’s favourite colour. I want to fully engage with my course and the people on it. I want to really appreciate the small things, rather than stressing about the absence of the bigger things.

And this is just the beginning.

I know this list is probably selfish but the only way I can make anyone else happy is by making myself happier. If I carry on in the mindset I am in it may result in some kind of mental breakdown. A fear of mine is reaching the end of my life and realising I did nothing with my life.

Bonfire

A Buddhist Bonfire. That’s how she described it, Madame Nhu. Buddhists were forbidden from celebrating Buddha’s birthday, leading to one dousing themself in petrol and catching fire. Not for the first time I wondered what it would be like to set your body on fire. Set it alight and smell it ignite. It seems fascinating to me that people would do this, would patiently sit in the flickering flame while they suffocated on the burning fumes of their own skin. The thought makes me sick. I should be having the time of my life. College has ended, along with the monotony of routine, and with it promised so-called freedom and endless outings with friends. All these idyllic possibilities just never materialised. Instead I find myself staring at these four walls. The birds etched on my wallpaper feel like they are beginning to haunt me. I have often found that when I am most liberated is often when I feel the most retrained.