A Conversation With God

Please don't let him leave me
Please don't let him kiss her
Please can he not get too drunk
I don't want to have to give up on him
Can he never hurt me
Can we just sleep
Can everything be forever as good as lying together 
And not just this morning 
Can I not be the right girl this time?

Please, God?
This is the last thing and then I'll be content

God can I do well in this essay
Can you help me pass these exams 
And it that's not too much, can you make me happy
I haven't been happy in years.

This will be the last time 
I just need the reassurance.

Also God, can you never expect me to follow your rules
I want to live as I wish and you to answer my requests so I can continue.

God, won't you just fill this silence with something?

I do nothing for God 
But I expect him to do all for me
On command.

The New Self

After pain we regenerate, renaissance, we make a new self. The new self doesn’t really exist but we fool the world into thinking we have moved on. We hide all our scars and the fears and the real ‘self’. The real ‘self’ only you know. The one behind closed doors. The one who can spontaneously burst into tears by the thought of you, and other days be fine. The one afraid of attachment, of always liking someone more, of never being good enough, of never being with someone who was wholeheartedly a choice. The one who prescribes to the culture we live in which says love is free, easy and everywhere. But love is never free, easy and only an image of love is everywhere. The projected image works because we all have a hole in our lives which we try to fill with something. We daily try to mask our own inadequacies. The new self which shouts “replace” when really it should be screaming “repair”. But no one likes facing who they really are, few want to look inwardly at why their relationships fail and would rather drop the blame entirely on the other person. The new self which can’t help but make anyone anyone who has ever hurt them feel like shit, because the new self., alike to the old, likes to remind themselves that they are capable of inflicting some level of pain. They want to remind these people that they still hurt. And finally it’s that grin to go with it because now you’ve fooled them all. The new self is an extension of all that was wrong with the old self with just a double-helping of bitterness. The new self becomes part of the world with all the other people trying to fool us that they are fundamentally changed.

Apparently what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

I wish when you left

I wish when you had left you had verbally beaten me up, said things which would be etched onto the mental list of what others had also said, turned yo into some kind of monster and make it impossible for me to like you at all now. I wish you had said I was annoying, I was unattractive and you never liked me anyway. You wanted my best friend but she was out of your league so you settled for me. I wish you said that I deserved everything you were throwing at me because I wasn’t a good person. I was hard-work, narcissistic and difficult. You found me dull. And worst of all I was a hypocrite. You wanted a girlfriend, it just had to be important to you, I wasn’t important enough. I wasn’t enough. You wouldn’t bullshit and said ‘it’s me, not you’, instead you would look at me, deep in the eyes, and say ‘this is completely your fault’.

But instead you said you were so sorry, said you were doing all this to avoid hurting me more in the long run, you still valued me as a friend and didn’t want to lose that. And I just left you there at the station. I like to think you watched me walk away but I never looked back. And I regret the way I left but if I had stayed I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from crying. And neither of us wanted me to cry.

I wish I’d never met you. If I hadn’t I wouldn’t be in this denial and I wouldn’t have to get over you. I sometimes wonder if you still think about me at all and if one day you’d want me again. But I think you’re probably over it by now and never spare “us” a though.

I wish when you’d left you hadn’t changed your mind and we still had summer plans. I wish you had liked me as much as you said you did, just the night before, when I believed you. I wish when I put my head on your shoulder you would have put your arm around me rather than just sit there. And then everything would have been okay.

Settling

photo (2) I realised something today. You can’t live your life thinking that doing what other people want you to do in a relationship counts for anything. You can’t like someone and let them treat you however they want to and think that counts as a relationship. Relationships require compromise but you can’t always be the one compromising. If you do that, no matter how amazing you think they are, you are just settling.

Learning

What I learnt

I think I am going to return to what I wrote about around two weeks ago, the potential breakdown of yet another one my relationships. Except this wasn’t really a relationship. It feels to me that there are certain things which would only happen to me, being broken up by a guy who I am not even really going out with, feels like one of them. And while we may never get back together, though to be honest I want to, I suppose the whole experience has taught me some things.

Firstly after we came back after Easter I text him to find out when he was coming back and he didn’t text back and I had a massive breakdown. Like I am speaking huge, I cried all night and couldn’t concentrate on anything until he got back, which was about two days later. All to find out that when he did get back that his phone had broken and it was currently getting repaired. And I know that the way I reacted to this all was pathetic but I genuinely couldn’t help it. I was thinking about this afterwards and I think all in all it had nothing to do with him, it had something to do with a previous him. I’ll just refer to him as John here but basically he asked me out and then ignored me for weeks afterwards. I think the worse thing was we never actually broke up and for months after this happened when we saw each other he still flirted with me, we sometimes held hands and he hugged me a lot and I thought that if I kept putting up with it eventually we would start officially going out. Of course we didn’t and he led me on, whether knowingly or not, I am not sure. I think some of the problem was that at the time I was going through my own problems with friends and was feeling a little abandoned and lonely and was deceived into thinking that he was nice to me. And he was but he wasn’t what I thought he was. I think some of my problem is that I always view relationships and potential relationships with naive optimism. As in if I wait around long enough they’ll change their mind or start being what I want them to be. Furthermore John also made me feel like he liked me when I was there so when it comes to guys now I tend to (though I am not as bad as I use to be) feel as though that I need to be around them otherwise they’ll forget me, and worry that if we are away from each other for a few weeks they won’t like me when I see them again. I think lesson number one I learned was to let things go and not carry burdens from what previous men have done to me. I can’t change that and I guess it did make me a stronger person.

Furthermore with this new guy I was starting to feel happier, at least initially and when he was there. I think part of my problem is I am rarely satisfied and that maybe because I expect more but whatever it is I want to change it. I hadn’t been feeling happy at Uni, at least not as happy as I hoped that I would be. And I guess lesson number two is not to rely on anyone to make me happy but work on making myself happy. Unfortunately I don’t really know how to do that. That is a mistake that I keep making and thought that I wouldn’t let it happen again, I think I was wrong.

In addition while reading my old journals, which I mentioned in a previous post I have been doing recently, I noticed a re-occurring theme which was that if I fixed myself externally that people would like me more and that situations would want to go the way which I wanted them to. I was quite concerned by my looks (often my skin and just generally not being as pretty as I desired), my weight and I convinced myself that I was stupid thus making everything I did academically quite futile. I think the next lesson is that I need to build on my own self-confidence and not use a guy to give me the reassurance that I craved. I don’t want my confidence to be based on what anyone thinks of me, least of all the guy I am interested in. And o be fair I wasn’t so bad with him but I could see myself getting worse had we become official.

And lastly I have a strong desire to control everything and I really need to let go of that. The thing which bothered me about the whole situation the most was that I couldn’t control it. He was saying how we weren’t going to see enough of each other in the holiday to make it work but honestly I would have seen him as much as he needed me to. I would have made the effort. I would have literally changed and been whatever he wanted because I don’t value who I am as a person very highly and I just really liked him and thought that he was important. I know I will obviously like people as much if not more but right now it doesn’t feel like that. It doesn’t feel like that because I have been given the opportunity to fuck this up like I usually am. For most of my adolescence I have wanted the ability to control everything. What people think of me, my marks and how situations pan out. I want to know how this situation pans out. I need to let go of wanting to control it all though because being honest even if I could control it I would probably get it wrong.

I want to fix everything but I can’t fix anything. Ideally I would want him to want to go out with me officially but even if we take a step back from that, I don’t know how to make that happen but I also don’t know how to go back to being really good friends. And at the very least I would like that, though I know it probably won’t make me feel better because I’ll always want it to lead somewhere else.

This post was much longer than I was expecting it to be and was a kind of splurge of all my feelings. Any advice would seriously be appreciated, otherwise I will just do my usual and wait and keep throwing myself at the boy.